The End.

It was forever ago. Maybe a lifetime- or possibly a different one in its entirety. During the spell when night and day reversed and sleeplessness owned routine. He was her intrigue, everything about him. And she was to him more or less than will ever be revealed or recognized. He stepped with mystery, clasped his hands tightly together but only held the suffocating air of emptiness. Oh, those eyes- icey, chilling, but not quite frozen- annihilating boundaries. When they crumbled, her heart felt boundless, total freedom exhilarated the atmosphere. A frenzied flame to her naivety. Hind-sighting, the only view is half- nothing is full- the picture imprinted onto the ravines of her soul is half of a smile, half of a heart... a clear division of the outer and the inner. An unhappy mind in a place of joyous occasion is a doomed concoction of misery and misunderstanding. But what was replaying in that mind? Those eyes? Questioning herself, puzzle piecing together the very minutia that entailed her being; perhaps it was her. The quest to complete his smile ensued. Regrettably. Pointlessly. The secrets that inevitably lay within the sunken corner of his mouth unnerved her to the core- mystery waged its war inside her mind and the aftermath was cruel. But, the truth is, only half of his heart was ever placed in her small, inexperienced hands. Some would think this a sad story, I agree- it was. They stamped any togetherness with finality and titled it~ The End. Things end, that isn't bad... it's only tragic when a finality lays claim to an unknown, unsettled corridor of the human heart.

We Have A Wonderful Life...

These words, these simple, simple words. 

Spoken out of awe, wonder, sheer amazement and stun tens if not hundreds of times from the lips of my dad. The thing is, the statement is never puffed full of pride and accomplishment- no, not at all- all I hear when those words spill out of my father’s heart is thankfulness. The life we’ve been given is just that.. Given. A gift. A beautiful, undeserved one. 

Recently, I’ve heard these words everywhere- whenever I’m with my dad...and sometimes it feels like he ends almost every sentence expressing once again how awestruck he is. Maybe I’m so utterly shocked by the tone he uses, or the times he chooses to say it or just the simple peace it brings.... Or maybe I hear those words so often because I’m just as shocked, amazed and thankful as he is. 

My thankfulness is not only attached to the material commodities a nice life in America brings- those don’t even begin to start the list. Mostly, it’s the richness of relationship, the privilege of being so *known* and having such undeniable hope... And this sparked a journey to adopt.

Not unlike other areas of our life, our idea didn’t exactly succeed... Mom and Dad went through an entire Foster Care course in order to take kids from Wake County into our home upon a phone call that a home was needed. We were a certified family, our home was a certified house, now all we needed was to receive a call and we’d have a new kid in our home! ...if only anything like this worked that smoothly! 

Switch gears

It was during that month that our home and family inspections were occurring that the Lord set a beautiful little boy in my path. He didn’t stumble in my direction. He leapt toward me and hopped on my back- refusing to let go. I met him at Hope Reins, a non-profit ministry I volunteer for (blog here: www.hopereinsraleigh.blogspot.com) and the second I laid eyes on him I felt this childish sense of freedom and saw a deep sense of alone-ness. What an odd combination. Freedom. Alone-ness. Seems like it doesn’t fit? All it takes is one look into those uber dark brown eyes, one witness to his throw-my-arms-back-in-laughter release or one of his pearly white smiles to make you smitten and get you in a playful mood- he just does that. The feeling of alone-ness I saw, he later explained to me over poop scooping (remember, Hope Reins is a farm...not every job is glamorous ;)). His parents died within 3 months of each other. He was 5. His mom and dad were never married. Now, he was currently living at a boarding school.

Tears. 

There’s only one way to say it, he snuck into my heart, nestled himself real cozy and snuggled- it didn’t seem like he could ever leave. After my parents had the grand opportunity to meet him, they were soon smitten as well. That little trouble-maker just has his way with us! We okay’d it with his guardian to have him spend the night one weekend...and those weekends just never stopped. Pretty soon the questions of “Can you adopt me?” “I want to be home schooled!”  “Why can’t I always live here?” crept in, and great patience, prayer and petition became my necessities. 

I just want to clear one thing up, sometimes Jordan annoys me to pieces. His outgoing- always running- needing attention- thriving on people- can’t sit still and settle- thing can drive me bonkers. I get angry- I reprimand- I ignore. But then, he knocks on my door one hundred times, starts that mope-y shoulder look and I realize how much I absolutely adore him. 

I’ve seen my dreams come true, I never lost hope for my desire to have a little brother...and that’s just what he is to me. All the previous story to say, Jordan is officially moving in with the Foulkrod family... I can’t even comprehend my excitement currently. There is shock, worry and unabandoned JOY...dumbfounded that Jordan’s guardian, a sweet friend of his mom who died, has allowed this life- this wonderful life- to improve all the more. Life gets sweeter when more life is added. 

I know that many of you have prayed for this day to come, also...Thank you for your prayers!! I know that these crazy schemes only come from God and his plan and so of course, I’ll continue singing his praises all through the night :) As I continue posting stories on this blog (my learnings, mistakes, experiences, ect.) I am sure Jordan with be a common theme as I know I have so much to learn from him and having him in our home 24/7. I am beyond pumped. There’s a lot of new stuff for me to figure out. 

I guess Mom will never experience the feelings of empty-nesting because after Jordan graduates, who knows what’s next for these parents o’ mine? ;0)

“Now to him who is able to more than all we could ever ask or imagine!” “Every good thing comes from You!”

As Always,

Anna

False. Fake. Unreal. Untrue. What are you?

"As soon as I heard this, I tore my garment and my cloak and pulled hair from my head and beard and sat (utterly) appalled" "I sat appalled until evening sacrifice. Then I rose from my fasting and fell upon my knees and spread out my hands to the LORD my God, saying,
'O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift my face to you, my God, for our iniquities have risen higher than our heads and our guilt has mounted up to the heavens.' Behold, we are before you in our guilt, for none can stand before you because of this."

Raise your hand if you are a believer. Alright, if you raised your hand... I have some statistics to share with you.
According questions born again believers have been asked, surveys say:
-49% say it's fine to live with a member of the opposite sex before you're married
-33% profess it's okay to abort a baby while still in the womb
-53% of Promise Keepers (a Christian men's group) visit porn sites every week
-close to half the believers surveyed admit they don't truly believe in Satan
-33% contend Jesus actually did sin while on earth
-77% of born again teens engage in Internet theft
-54% of believers don't believe in absolute moral truth
(All found from "God Has a Wonderful Plan For Your Life" by Ray Comfort)

I don't even know what to say. Maybe I'll start with, do you still have your hand raised? If you do and yet you agree with one of the statements above than I challenge you to actually study the scripture. Being a high school student, it's prime time to observe those whose parents claim Christianity. Let me tell you this, 88% of kids raised in *evangelical* Christian homes will NEVER return to church after they turn 18. Then the question is, will those kids still claim that the grace of Jesus Christ and his blood covers them? 61% of teens agree that a place in heaven can be earned by good works- so I guess the minute they start hopping down the "wrong road" they just give up? 8 out of 10 teens describe themselves as Christians. Where is that proof?

Oh, how easy it is to wear the name of "Christian" but the grave consequences that come in turn when one stands before the only righteous Judge and is told, "I never knew you" by the King of kings...that is not easy- that is hell.

The last thing I want to do is be insensitive or condemning. That's not the description this post is going for. But, I do have a question for those reading- After you made a "decision for Christ" what about you changed? How would you live differently if you didn't have the "faith" you do? Do you live in a way that requires any faith at all?

The introduction was written by an Old Testament prophet named Ezra... what a beautiful heart. Upon hearing Israel's faulty decision to adopt foreign ways (if you are a believer, this world is not your "home.." we are storing up treasure in heaven. not here. not now. this is our waiting period), Ezra's heart broke...even to the extreme of self mutilation. Extreme distress. Complete dismay. Utterly appalled. Then he went before the Lord crying out on Israel's behalf- burdened. In the same way, false converts have invaded our church to an extent that "believers" live in the ways of the world- maybe not 100% given over to the world, but their toes are definitely in the water. Believers, take your toes OUT of the water. Ezra calls the people to strength after rebuking their sins... he says, "Arise, for it is your task, and we are with you; be strong and do it." Arise, get up, stop your guilt-ful, shame-ful mourning. You have been given a job- be right before God. You are not alone. Therefore, stop making excuses admit your sin, repent and give it up.

A Blast From the Past Translated Into the Future

Kids ran wild until they fell asleep on the floor somewhere, anywhere. A group of 30 people ate spaghetti on paper plates. Adults met with their bibles opened for hours and hours. When I look back on my childhood, this thought overwhelms the other memories: I lived in community with people. I grew up in an environment where adults that weren't my parents loved on me and disciplined me all the same, boys and girls who weren't my siblings became my brothers and sisters, we were unified and set apart. It was very strange- but I'd categorize it as impactful before I'd say it was strange.. because, actually, it was my normal.

Somehow, as the years flew by... we all diverged onto different paths. Only a small number of the kids stayed linked in relationship and only a few parents catch up over coffee. It was more than difficult for me to let this stage, this season, of life pass. I couldn't let it go. It was too great. So, instead of being thankful for it's impact I became angry. How could we let go of such a beautiful thing? I questioned that in my journal a few years ago...I'm glad I did because looking back I see more clearly the purpose of that season, the beauty of those people, the extraordinary concept of fellowshipping.  

Through those years, community was imprinted on my heart. Even now, I tear up thinking of how wonderful it is to be known. And that's what we (collectively, as humanity) want so badly, isn't it? To be known by someone for who you are- as clearly as you can be seen- and still be loved deeply. While it is our deepest desire, it tends to also be our most daring venture... because as lovely community is, it can be ten times as hard. It's challenging. Tough. Selfless. Sacrificial. Inconvenient. And yet, it's fulfilling- it's God ordained.

So, this is my tribute to those who touched me; who stood along side my parents and helped raise me; to those who became a safe haven where the freedom to be real resided; who will forever be a brother and will forever be a sister... you know me differently than most and I am so thankful for that special time we had together. I love the places that Jesus has purposefully taken you... I will always remember each of you because you have changed the way that I will parent, the way I befriend, the way I initiate relationship.

More than a tribute, this is a question: In our modern society, specifically, I see a massive degrade in truthful, meaningful community..why? What part does the church play in that degradation? How can we as individual believers stop it, sacrifice some personal convenience and momentary happiness in order to shine as a tight knit, intentional group following an incredibly radical God? "A city on a hill cannot be hidden." It isn't a person on a hill... the Word says a city on a hill cannot be hidden. Life is so much sweeter that way.

Raw.

For reasons such as personal privacy and personal filtration exercises, I don't share the deep and heavy on my blog--- or at least I try not to. I haven't figured out why I do this quite yet. I wonder: am I wary of people I don't know reading the deepest parts of my heart? Or is it the people I do know that I don't truly want to share with? Maybe I'm just aware of the unfair trade-off- you might know me a lot more than I know you and that scares me. I'd rather be in your position. But this. This was too God-given to not share. Alas, my heart is being slightly opened for you so please be kind with your thoughts- don't shed too much judgement but please feel free to relate to this all you can.

Let's hop back into 7 year old Anna's head.. she's having a conversation with her best friend and they are discussing the future together. "I wanna be a nurse," Anna says... "I wanna be a missionary," Rachie returns... "I wanna be a missionary,too..While I am nurse...but I'm going to wait until I'm married." "I'm going to have a boyfriend when I'm 16," Rachie says. "Me too," Anna responds.


Since then, my career path has changed and I cannot even comprehend myself becoming a nurse anymore. Funny. Also, I'm on the verge of turning 18 and I have yet to have a boyfriend. Funnier. However, Rachie is still my best friend... But I call her Rachel more these days. I'm glad some expectations from that conversation were met :) And I can't help but let a chuckle and sigh out at our conversation because I seriously remember it all too well.

If I could go back and have a conversation with little 7 year old Anna, my first question would be: Why is 16 the time? Even to 17 year old Anna I ask why should you date now? What on earth would be the point? The only answer I can come up with is: Anna. There are only selfish reasons. Today as I was talking to Jesus, I was asking how can my heart be so against something my head so wants? My head thinks my position is completely logical- it all makes total sense. My heart thinks I'm total wacko, there must be something wrong here. Is there something wrong with me? Probably.

To bring you back in real time, I was questioning God- asking him to fix me so I didn't continue on this indecent struggle of being alone- and I flipped the pages of the Word to John 2. [I've been in the process of reading through John for about 3 weeks now and I'm only on chapter 2. (Success or fail?) Definitely a success. Most of the days in those three weeks, I could only handle a few verses at a time. They shook my heart- mostly, I couldn't comprehend some of it and I would read it again and again.] Back to John 2.
"Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now."

The story of Jesus' first recorded miracle in this book. No big deal, right? Well, let's read it again...
"Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now."
(Break out the Word of God for more understanding to this verse.... a wedding runs out of wine and in verse 4, Jesus tells his mom he can't help them because it's not his time- but he does it anyways and this is the result. The BEST wine.)
My questions to Jesus:
-Why can't I have the high school sweetheart that every romantic feels indebted with?
-Where are my reassuring words of affirmation?
-Why don't I get to have someone just for me that enjoys me and loves me and hugs me?

I feel ridiculous even writing these questions down. I'm embarrassed for myself! It amazes me how Jesus is so juxtaposed to society. It's obvious that he knows he could make the water into awful wine and everyone would expect it but instead he chooses to make the best anyone will ever drink. I'll place my bet that no one ever tasted such AWEsome wine ever again. How does this come back to single-ness and expectations? To me. Today. This is a little hit on the head that

1) Jesus obeyed his mom (THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE OBEYED HIS MOM!) and did what she asked
2) There was no begrudging. He gave the best the situation could have expected. He blew everyone away with the result.

Jesus has so much more to reveal to me. I have so much growing. I'm humbled to the sin I have in my heart that I cannot even see unless the Spirit reveals it to me. I would be bad wine. This is why he is making me wait. "As the watchman waits for the morning" I am waiting... I am dying to see the awesome sunrise a relationship in God's perfect timing will bring. I feel like a little girl jumping up and down waiting for Christmas BUT here's the deal my waiting isn't stagnant. I'm realizing I make it waiting. Why I am I waiting for something I'm not promised? Is Jesus enough? Is he the only thing that satisfies me? I want that to be true. More than true. I don't want my eyes to look upon a boy and measure whether or not he could be "the one." (I want to know what it means to be united as brothers and sisters before Jesus... I think this is for another post, though.)

Here's the deal, it will always be unexpected when something doesn't fit the norm. It's unexpected to even me that I've past 16 and don't date. It was unexpected to the host that Jesus made the better wine after the first round of wine was consumed. What Jesus did was very gracious. What he does is very gracious. So, that's my conclusion- I will stop this search because I will rest in the fact that Jesus, my God, my Savior, is gracious and faithful. He has proven that over and over- why would he be any different in this circumstance?

A College Application Essay...

Anna S Foulkrod

  “Ah, not in knowledge is happiness but in the acquisition of knowledge! In forever knowing, we are forever blessed.”

 Edgar Allan Poe  

Since age three, I have been fascinated with knowing; not the typical acquisition of facts and know-hows of academia, but instead, my interest has been in knowing people. In my experience the best way to understand and truly discern who a person has become is by asking questions. Much of this comprehension came through the process of being  a counselor/staff member at Hope Reins Raleigh. As I interacted with hurting children and youth, I learned we often settle on a surface knowledge of human beings rather than a deep  understanding of the person. My journey began with an introduction as I shook a special person’s hand. This girl knew she had a  problem and needed to find a source of hope. Her name is Sophie, and she changed my life and taught me more than she will ever realize. 

 Hope Reins Raleigh has been set apart for children ages 5-18 to find healing from any hurtful life situation, current or past, through the pairing of a certified leader and a rescued horse. This trio, child, leader and horse, has proven to be a brilliant combination. Through my involvement as a certified leader, I have encountered far too many normal looking youth with desperately troubled hearts like Sophie. The purpose of this organization is to give children a life changing horse experience but the experience is only a tool. Our real purpose is to know them, to see them for who they are and to point them to the ultimate Giver of hope. Living with her father and his girlfriend after her mom committed suicide in front of her, Sophie was battered by her father and tormented by his girlfriend’s abusive, alcoholic lifestyle. One day she explained to me that, “I remember being seven years old and barely being able to roll over to the other side of the bed. I was bruised so badly. I didn’t listen to her and she beat me with her belt.” Unimaginable abuse repeatedly occurred until Child Services became involved. As a result Sophie entered foster programs until she was eventually adopted. Her heart was broken.  Moreover, the situations she was forced into were emotionally shattering and too much for a child to handle. Hearing Sophie’s story as she  slowly opened her heart left me speechless as I wept and ached with her pain which had become my own.  My first lesson from my little teacher was to know a person by feeling their pain.  I connected with Sophie because I tried to see what she saw, feel what she felt and to relate to her thoughts. Over the next weeks as I met with Sophie, she revealed her habit of cutting. There comes a point when the inner turmoil a person feels becomes overwhelming, which results in a numb feeling by going from a highly emotional state to an extreme numbness, confusion sets in with deep need for release of this pain. Connecting with her at a deep level, I knew this was a moment to ask a  meaningful question which would enable her to expose her soul; to press in until we had both discovered something new about her. My second lesson from my little teacher was to wait until someone is prepared for the meaningful questions. In our last session I realized that she had drastically cut her hair and changed her style and tastes. She eventually  confessed she was trying to “fit in”. I made a mistake by confronting her too quickly. Instead of asking well timed questions and allowing her to recognize her own error, I jumped ahead and left her offended. It is often difficult to realize how much weight words carry, especially to an abused girl. In that raw moment I learned a painful lesson. My third lesson is that timing is frequently as important as the message. 

Each lesson learned with Sophie has been  invaluable in my work with other youth at the Hope Reins. Occasionally I still interact with Sophie and thankfully she has experienced significant healing. I will never forget her story and what I learned from her. So many people in the world have painful stories like Sophie, but so few people actually care enough  to know the hard things about a person. I want to know. As Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

    

Doomed.

I'm peering in through this window. I've been stuck here, nostalgically, for the past weeks left asking the question, is this normal? I have an unreal sadness and an inexpressible excitement at the very same time. Sad but happy. There are days where one over shadows the other but both are present, nonetheless. How could it be that childhood rolled by so quickly? How can it be that things which seemed to happen yesterday actually took place years ago? I'm confused. I feel thirty-something in some areas and twelve in others.
I'm sad. The age I've always been told I acted like I am now becoming.
I'm questioning. I thought for sure I'd feel differently as a senior. I've had symptoms of "senior-itis" since age 5, now I only want to rewind. 
Realistically, I'm still stuck. The advice I am doomed to hear is full of how it will all work out and that God has a plan. I say I am doomed to hear this only because of how these statements are usually delivered. Lightly. Flippantly. Easily.    
I'd say the fact that God has a plan for me (you) (us) is a HUGE deal. Why do we say it so easily? How can it just roll off our tongues? Why am I not allowed-(supposed)- to struggle with that statement? It so difficult for others to allow me to be slightly upset about my lack of direction. Relate to me, engage me, don't dismiss me. 

No Excuses.

What bogs you down high school student that fits perfectly into the crowd? What bogs you so that you can't stand up for Jesus?
What makes you a workaholic, you father of kids and husband of a wife? Are you defined by your work?
How about you mom of beautiful children who is frustrated constantly totally not blinded by a bitter past or an absent husband? How can you make everything look so good but live in a place that's so bad?
Or how about you singles who have lost sight of the love their Savior gives, emotionally emphatic on the fact that's it's too hard to be without another human?

All of these are struggles of being human, I totally get that. But far too often I allow my struggles to restrain the follower of Jesus that I am. I submit to the worthless life of living in my flesh and not to the adventured life of Jesus. I know that when I claim to live life for Jesus but feel strained every second, emotionally overloaded and (for all practical reasons) un-peaceful, I am simply not truly living for Christ. In Philippians 4, the Lord says that in every situation present yourself to God and his peace which transcends anything you and I will ever really understand will come upon us- he will guard our hearts and minds with it. If you can relate thus far, I recommend going ahead and reading the whole chapter in Philippians.

Let me tell you this, anything you're holding onto...it's just not the best. He offers us the best- he has the BEST in mind for us. So, no excuses...let's change the world for him. And let me tell you, friends, it starts in your heart, it starts in my heart.

This poem fit perfectly to what I was feeling and thinking. The second I heard it, my soul started leaping- my heart started amen-ing and then, of course, my hands started their typing.

Things Intended For Destruction.

This little post is about a story so sit back, be intrigued and maybe you can learn a similar lesson? I don't know, but here are my thoughts.

There once was an entire group of people- there were hundreds of them, no- thousands... wait! millions of them. They were everywhere and they were wandering. They had a label- it was "God's People" and wherever he went they were supposed to follow. He blessed them, guided them and spoke to them. He made his presence unavoidable by day in the form of a cloud and inextinguishable by night in the form of fire. He stayed with them always. He showed them his faithfulness over and over, repeatedly telling them the same promises and yet, they made the same mistakes over and over, repeatedly spitting on his word. He offered them an undeserved relationship- unrelenting.

In one of the occasions where He was going to prove his faithfulness yet again, God's People disobeyed. After careful instruction they still disobeyed. You see, God said, "But you, keep yourselves from the things devoted to destruction, lest when you have devoted them you take any of the devoted things and make the camp of Israel a thing for destruction and bring trouble upon it." So, the leader, Joshua, told the people that all they should keep from the land they conquered were the precious metals they found and those would be set apart for only God. BUT, low and behold, an Israelite did NOT obey. He decided to take some things that were meant for destruction and (of course) he hid them. The story goes on to say how God's people went in to take over another nation however, this did not go over seamlessly. 36 of God's men died- not a usual occurrence because they always had God with them, fighting FOR them. God's people's "hearts melted" and Joshua, their leader tore his clothes because he was so inexpressibly troubled. He questioned God on why he allowed them to fail knowing that it revealed weakness to the rest of the nations when Israel was defeated. God in return declares, "don't you know?! there is sin in the land! I will be with you no more unless you ravage the items that I initially instructed should be destroyed!" (not an exact translation; read it yourself in Joshua 7) Then he tells Joshua to take this message to the people.

The next day, God tells Joshua to separate the people into tribes (there were 12 of them) and after God selected the tribe of Judah, he instructed him to break them into clans, then from there he broke them into families and then from there into households and then to a man. Achan from the tribe of Judah, the clan of Zerahites, household of Zabdi was chosen. Joshua says, "Give glory to Yahweh and give praise to him. Tell me what you have done, don't hide any more." Achan answers humbly and precisely, disclosing every single item that was intended for destruction that he instead hid under his tent rug. Joshua questioned Achan on why he brought trouble and then told him that trouble would now fall on him. Achon was stoned. Nothing of him remained. No more family. No more tent. No more rug. No more items intended for destruction. It was all destroyed. The next chapter narrates the incredible feat the Israelites claimed in the renewed battle against the original nation they lost 36 men to. God's presence was with them yet again.

NOTES:
God is serious about his declarations and he cannot be present where there is sin. One man's sin affects the entire body of Christ. God gives Achan a chance to repent (I don't think it was quick for Joshua to take every single man, one by one, up to the altar...it took lots of time). The wages of sin are death.

Application:
What sin am I hiding from Jesus??
In Ephesians 5, it says that Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her- he sanctified her by the washing of water with the word- he presented her to himself in splendor- holy and without blemish. The sins I hold onto in my life- or even the sins I allow to come into my tent (like Achan) God intended for destruction. When I cling to them- his presence cannot be with me...Jesus washes me which allows God to look at me. The only reason I am worthy for God to just look at is because of Jesus. (now I'm humbled.)
How quick am I to repent? To change my ways? To do a 180 turn around?

I realize this isn't a comfortable story. Seriously, I do. When I read it this afternoon, I had to dwell on it and soak in the words. They are intense and so real. God's severity and seriousness is totally frightening. So, after reading this I had no choice but to let those tears stream down my face and repent for the things intended for destruction that had settled itself in my heart.

This is beautiful. And it's so true.
Men want to define and women want to be defined.
Men desire to lead and women desire to be led by their man.
Men search for beauty and women want to become purely beautiful.
Men love a chase but boy do women want to be chased.
The list goes on and on.
It's perfect. The Lord created this all perfectly. But, don't forget- this perfect picture- it's a model of who he is. Don't you see? He created this lovely combination to be a reflection of himself and HIS love, his passion, his pursuit of us, individually. Watch the video.

Found this today. I was stunned at the words I allowed myself to honestly type. Perhaps you can glean something from it as well as I did? A little background, a friend of mine went on a long mission's trip and this was something I was thinking about while he was gone. It never quite made it to him. But, maybe that's exactly the point.

Missions Trips are the worst kinds of trips. Not because they, like every other trip, end, but because they force you to lie to yourself. You come back to wherever you came from and you swear that you’ll be different... that the old ways have gone and that there is something so much better you can show your fellow homekind. But sooner or later, you come to the earth shattering conclusion that not only did you succumb to the pressures of a normal life in the states, but you fell into the lie you promised you never would and you slipped on the slippery slop of the mundane life you lived only a short while before. You get a glimpse of the beauty Jesus offers when you’re doing his work yet... You so easily get wrapped up in the patterns of day-to-day life, forgetting the precious little things you crossed-your-heart-hoped-to-die would never happen. Sure you receive the heads ups from you fellow hometowners who’ve experienced the same mountain top experience but instead of preparing yourself you roll your eyes telling them they simply “don’t understand.” But, let me tell you sweet follower of Jesus, they are telling the hard truth. It’s true that pretty soon you won’t spend a whole morning worshipping Jesus through the word and songs... Soon you’ll forget to stop and ask Jesus what he wants you to say to “this” person, you’ll become materialistic yet again, and I promise you you’ll waste the food that you once saw the lack for. You’ll become self centered and want to do what you want to do...when you want to do it and you will without a doubt only have a subtle memory of that beautiful mountain top that once held all the freedom and possibilities in the world. While I promise you all of that, at the same time I believe with all my heart that we have a witness to keep in our own towns. That people next door to you need Jesus just as much as the ones in China. Don’t let yourself forget that mountain top...in fact, when you realize it’s slipping from your view, chase it hard, reach for it and hold onto it- it’s what gets you through the tough stuff. It’s what makes you keep your faith. We ruin our witness constantly... I among the most frequent. But friend, what I’ve learned is we were born into ruining our witness and unfortunately, when we took our first breath we sealed the deal that we would do that for the rest of our lives..... The only thing we can do when we ruin it is to humbly accept the fact and seek forgiveness- by doing this, you grow even stronger and the Light in you shines even brighter. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is; don’t loose hope when that mountain top becomes out of reach... All of life is a season and that’s just another to add to the books. Nonetheless, carry yourself in such a way that you seek that same god-honoring feeling for the rest of your life. That mountain top was only your first in many relentless pursuits of the life Jesus has prepared for you. He still has much, much more for you to glean.. So, keep your ears open.

Love always, Anna

Most Days

Most days I wish I lived a life where it could never be mistaken where my strength comes from- one that is undeniably and solely fueled by the flame of Jesus.
Most days I regret not being thankful for the providence I am so generously given- new days, every day to turn new leaves and discover new beauties.
Most days I look back and realize the immense pain overshadowing my minuscule efforts towards a changed world- the baby steps I take if I even decide to take steps at all.
Most days I forget about those starving abandoned babies and the moms and dads struggling with the knowledge of that failure- I allow the absent grief of terrible situations to make itself at home in the infrequent occurrence of life changing concern.
Most days I ride right past my community's homeless people trying to not look in order to spare my personal comfort and the sadness and guiltiness I would indubitably feel lest I acted upon my conviction.
Most days I slide into sleep forgetting that I just relived a "most day" yet again.  

But, on the days that I fall asleep realizing that there is a great work ahead of me for tomorrow- that every second matters and every person is a soul that has an eternal destiny- those are the days I see Jesus with open eyes undoubtably working all around me. I repent for those mosts...and my heart cries out for the Lord's compassion once again.

It's my prayer that these types of days be replace one another.

5 Dangerous Letters: A Note On Image

So, I’m writing today to discuss a topic- a prevalent one- an all TOO prevalent one. One that I have struggled with, one that I have watched every single one of my friends struggle with and one that I see hundreds of people I don’t even know struggle with. What is this subject you might ask? (participatory audience response: What is this subject?) ah, what a GREAT question. It starts with I and ends with E...spelled out it is I M A G E. Yes, image. Synonyms for this word include: appearance, looks, persona, style...your “mo,” “aura...” you tracking with me? 

Yes, image. Also, if really looked into with depth, could be considered (what most view as) their identity. If we’re being honest, everyone cares about their image but when it really comes down to it, you’ve got the people in denial (that they care about their image,) the people seeking after “an” image, and the people who know what image really means. To be even more honest though, there are so few who fall into the third category and even if you do, it is a constant struggle to remain in it. 

Now, let’s dig this apart. The planet earth holds about 7 billion people in it (most of which can’t even afford to care about their appearance) and for those fortunate enough to live a lifestyle where they can care about appearance rather than just being focused on their next meal, it is a life full of magazines, reality TV, hollywood films, celebrities, designers, skewed idealism, church on Sundays (or not), nice cars, expensive restaurants and hundred dollar salon visits. This world I live in is consumed with selfishness, discontent and vanity. Harsh, but maybe all to true. 

I was skimming my facebook newsfeed the other week, and saw this picture (that I’ve seen several repeats of) which read something along the lines of something to do with how did we go from a Marilyn Monroe body ideal to a Audrey Hepburn body ideal... The main irony I found being that they lived in the same time period- but the main point of the picture stands...the creators of the picture were wondering why magazines promote a stick-thin image. In high fashion and on the red carpet, we tend to see very skinny women, with perfect complexions, beautiful dresses and amazing heels- not exactly something everyday women can live up to.

When do you ever see someone put a teenage face on the cover of something if the face happens to have a blemish on it? Never. Why is that? HOW is that realistic? Well, the truth is, it isn’t. But the even better question is, why do teenagers fall into the trap that it is or could be realistic? Why do families who watch reality TV assume their houses aren’t big enough, their TVs aren’t clear enough and their wardrobe doesn’t have enough designer labels in it? Why is the majority more focused on the hollywood happenings in lives of unrelateable celebrities than on the lives of people who are striving to make a difference in the important things of life? Now, don’t get me wrong here, I am not (necessarily) belittling actors and actresses and the lives they live...however, I do think that the path modern day celebs have taken is (in general) disappointing. 

But, before I get on a tangent and regress, I shall return to the main topic. For Christ followers, it is crucial to not fall into the trap of the portrayed image the world has offered. 

Eating disorders, 

Excessive make-up,

Importance in designer labels,       

Needing the next and the best,

Criticizing others,

Standing prideful in rank,

Sustaining a comfortable life,

Addiction to technology,

Discontent in personal look,

Definition in another person,

Anything else that rains on the purity God initially bestowed upon you will allow a foothold for Satan.

You know, I have really started picking apart the expectations the world has on me, being a seventeen year old girl and all. They expect me to be in rebellion against my parents, become obsessed with the newest show hitting the headlines, fixate on my physical beauty, allure men in order to have perceived control and value, and all the while maintain a semblance of personal security and strength in a world that seems to be spinning out of control. That’s the image that one side of me wants to live up to... But as I started discovering all that the above entails and realizing the emptiness it avails , I also started chasing for the type of life Jesus actually desires for me. 

The interesting part of this whole heart experiment was that once I started discussing these struggles with my dearest pal and we began looking into the Word and seeing the truth of our beautimous struggles through Jesus’s eyes...our minds were quite blown. The Word never measures beauty (I mean, I can’t completely verify that...but everything I saw did) by image- nor appearance- rather, it measures women and men by their character. I would like to think that (in particular) along with the invention of the ‘mirror’ also came more poor images women hold of themselves- but that would be a lie. Women choose to accept a poor image of themselves when they accept the lies The Enemy whispers to them. The thing these women forget is their poor view not only affects them but also their daughters...passing on poor ideas which last for generations. 

I mean, right now is a prime example. Makeup can cover almost anything up- right? And so, as a solution to rough looking skin, most girls load it on... In essence they hide behind this outer shell creating more insecurities for themselves and also affirming the others who are doing the exact same thing. Pimples are natural for teenagers to have. Wrinkles are natural for aged people to have. Sunburn and freckles occur as a result of the sun. And dark circles come when you don’t sleep. All natural, all self explanatory. Let’s not hide it. The above shows that we are alive... And more importantly, that we will not give into the airbrushed persona that we are offered. The Jesus in us it better than that.

This morning, as I was in the Word, I was just brought to 2 Corinthians 4- a chapter I am not often brought to...and it was just perfect to go along with this note. Where I read was discussing the jars of clay... When I think of clay, I don’t think pretty and not only that, I think weak and breakable and yet, this is where we have our treasure. By knowing and accepting that we are nothing special, that it is only the Jesus in us that is special, we become humbled. The idealistic appearance fades and only Jesus becomes what matters.

So, to end I say that “you can have all this world, but just give me Jesus.” That includes a surrender of my image.

Getting Over Writer's Block

Oh, my. I cannot believe this. I am in complete shock. Yes, I am STILL in shock!! YOU GUYS, I have 6,000 views for this blog!!!! Can YOU even believe that?? Because I just cannot... STILL.

However, I feel like it is unfair of me to begin that way.. because, above all, I owe you an apology. I am sincerely sorry that it has been just way too long since I last wrote my thoughts down. If it makes you feel any better, I haven't written my thoughts down anywhere... so don't you start thinking that I have filled Mr. Journal in and abandoned Miss Blog.. that is simply not the case. But, my dear readers, life has just been so crazy and I really didn't know what exactly I should, could or would write on this loverly blog. I am still at a loss and a blank. Writer's block, I hear is what it's called. And if that's what it is, I've got one heck of a case...

But, I figure, what better way to overcome this blockage than write through it. Maybe it will help or maybe I'll just write a bunch of useless words- either way, this blog is desperate for something! So! Here we go *deep breath*

A couple weeks back, I grabbed some coffee with an old, long-lost friend of mine... You see, she had moved to Virginia and, indubitably, distance becomes a difficult thing to stay on top of. So, as I was driving through her town, I spontaneously called her to see if she'd be up for a latte. Lucky me, she agreed. I was honestly excited to see her and hear what was going on with her- I knew she'd lift my spirits but I was in no way prepared for the encouragement I received. So, here we are 10 o'clock...and I know there is a daunting three hour ride home... but we sit down and she begins to talk. Now this sweet friend of mine has a lot of words, ever since I've known her this has been the case- but unlike anyone else, it seems that every word to exit her mouth has meaning. well thought-out meaning. My hour and a half coffee meet up was the most refreshing escape from empty words... and let me tell you, she said the exact sentence that I head been trying to formulate in my mind for the 3 months of absence  I've taken from this blog!!

She said, talking about a situation in her own life, "And I was just thinking, is it really the person that I love or is it the relationship that I have with that person?" The moment those words entered the atmosphere, I let out a "hooray!" inside the depths of my heart... because that was exactly what I needed to process.

You know, as I grow, I see how change is one of life's greatest guarantees. With that guarantee however, we have two decisions to choose from: to accept and admire change or to live in a dismal mood of  yesteryear. The latter is definitely a decision that many take up. Their disgust for change is so extreme that they would rather live in the past- which, if you are not already aware, is completely an impossible feat. When someone lives in the past, it is a nice way to say that they are only choosing to live in a hazy life of denial. Denial at its very core is a condescending word and, let's be honest, it doesn't really breed nice people. So, the question remains, why would people choose to deny change rather than accept it? (just an FYI, attitudes that frequently tag along to denial are bitterness and anger- both said to make a person age more quickly..) I think that the answer is quite simple: fear.

But, I am not writing to discuss why people don't like change- I want to write about change itself. It offers so many beautiful things. When people accept change albeit a change in relationship, job, church, state, ect... it offers them an amassment of characteristics. Change has a way of bringing you on a fresh, new roller-coaster with a myriad of new enchantments... through this roller-coaster, you are offered new glasses to put on, to see things with a new perspective. When you become distant from the person you used to be so close to, it's okay for that to hurt- but it's not okay for it to glue your feet down, to keep you moving along the pathway of life... instead, take some time to gather yourself, look at the situation a little farther out than just two centimeters close and decide a plan of action; this plan should mostly consist of acceptance.

I can count, using both my hands, the number of relationships that have changed over just this past year... some of the changes have been excruciating and some of them have been beautiful and delightful. As I've been discussing these changes with the Lord and as he has used his living Word to breathe life into me, I have seen that mere acceptance of the changes in my life is not enough, it's the surrender that Jesus is looking for. He desires that I let go of my ever-longing for control and release my life to his powerful hands. Surrender always seems like such a passive word, doesn't it? ...oh, but it isn't. It's very active- it's a chant, a victory chant. It's an overcoming of flesh and an action to become more like Christ.

So, back to the original thought- is it the relationship I love or the person? I was challenged with that question when relationships began to transform. Day by day, I am learning to love others the way Christ loves me- my soul dependence on any relationship, that is not Jesus, is not complete surrender.


As Always, Anna

Simplify. And Be Joyful.

Hello friends,

About a week ago, I posted pictures of starving children, destitute. And disgusting water, liquid of which I would rather die and never drink than actually consume it. Throughout some research, I was left feeling absolutely horrid. Here, I am. I live in an incredible neighborhood, I'm surrounded by beautiful clean-cut people involved in ministry of various forms....but my question was: is it enough? Are the things that I'm doing enough? And what God has called me to?

I found the answer was repeatedly, no. So, naturally, I began to dig into the Word. I had this flame that started burning heatedly inside me...spurred on by the idea of Acts 2:42-47. The two verses that completely stunned me were "And all who believed were together and had all things in common. They were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all as any had need." Say what???? People would sell their things in order to care for others?

I read in a different version that the second part of that verse was, "and there was not ONE needy person among them." Now THAT is the power of Jesus. To unite a group of people, to give each such a heart for another that selfless acts would just come naturally. The Holy Spirit was ever present in this beautiful example of Christianity. Of TRUE Christianity. And my question for myself was: Why am I content to not seek that outlook on my fellow people? Why am I not willing to part with my *stuff* in order to mend a need in my fellow brother's or sister's lives?

Anyways, the Lord is ever-fueling my heart to change my lifestyle in such a way that it dramatically points directly to him and his goodness in my life. I want to become more and more dependent upon him for my daily bread... I want to be simple.

It's so cool how God works, isn't it? So many things seemed to collide at one time in order to reveal this crazy idea that the Holy Spirit had given me... First, a few weeks ago... I became so burdened on how dependent I had become on the whole fashion scene. Spending enormous amounts of time in my closet, in front of the mirror, and money ect. ect. It really hurt me. I had never wanted that for myself. And yet, here I was. How? Why? ...Because I was focus, so focused on outward adornment. So, I wroten to express my anxiety over succumbing to things i never wanted in my journal and then, the next day... I read a quick five pages of this book entitled "7"... it's where a lady simplifies her life to 7 of something- 7 foods, 7 clothes...and so on. And third. It hit me. Stop with the excess.

So, NOW, here I am. 40 days. I shall survive on ten pieces of clothing. Yes. Ten. And I'm on my 3rd day of this... Honestly, it's been pretty great thus far. I don't have to choose out of a whole closet on what to wear. I can choose between two t-shirts (both are conveniently Orphan's Heart tshirts..), two long sleeve thermals, a hoodie, two pairs of jeans, sweat pants and then a nice skirt and shirt.

My precious clothes. And on top of this, I have my cowboy boots (all purpose), tennis shoes (so I can still work out) and some pretty chill dress shoes. <--- only shoes for the next 40 days. Sadly, this is the most painful part.

But this doesn't stop with my clothes. Every 40 days I have another part of my life that I want to simplify. But, not only do I want to simplify my life, I want to give to those who are needy in the areas I'm giving up during those 40 days. Currently, I'm still researching where exactly and how exactly I need to give but.. I really want to make a difference through this.

It seems like wealthier people have a harder time giving drastically because there is simply no comprehension of just how much most of the people in our world don't have. In order to be able to relate more, I want to have less...and then know that it means THAT much more when I give. And my heart's desire is to give..and be abundant with that.

I'm so ready to see how much my heart is changed from this experiment...and maybe just how much others' change also.

As Always,

Thoughts Towards V-day

So, to be honest and completely unfiltered. Valentine's Day is 100% over-rated. BUT I feel like if I were to just leave at that, you might wonder why and never stumble upon the answer... in order to save you from scrambling your mind for hours and hours without beholding an answer, I would like to complain to you.... is it okay if I complain?

While the sentiment is nice, the poems often cheesy and the day full of Wolf Pack red, I suppose I just have a problem with celebrating something that should be celebrated every day. *Notonlythat, but so many times love isn't even represented correctly!!!! Now, if that won't get the steam coming out, I don't know what will!

You see, love is a  verb. Not a noun.
Love is not something you fall into, but something you choose daily.
It's not easily taken away...because when you love someone, you risk anything for them.
Now, when I say you risk anything for them, I mean that sometimes, you even risk your friendship. I know, I know, sounds odd... doesn't really click in the brain? But, I mean it. Yes, in order to truly love someone, risks are involved. Heartbreak, absolute. Tears, unavoidable. It all comes with love.. but that's why it's all the harder to say those words, "I love you." 

I guess I just don't understand how it is so easy to say them now. Do thirteen year olds in a "first relationship" really know what it means when they say I...love...you? Do you really know what it means when you say it to a family member? Do you throw those words around?

I feel like those three words should come with a warning tag claiming, "use sparingly".... but when you do love someone say it all the time... revel in the beauty of it. Love is a verb. Not in the sense of sex. But in the sense of action. It's patient. Kind. No record keeping. Never withdrawn. Always there. Verbs. Verbs. Verbs.


As Always,

*Yes, I know this is not usually one word but that's how I thought it... i figured to write it correctly would merely be cheating my thoughts.

Excess-------->Extreme

The more I see my life pass by, the more I see how I live a life of excess. Not only do I live a life of excess, but I'm not very extreme. Okay, seriously. The past two words I just admitted make me cringe. Two things I never want to be known by. Two things I never want to live a life of. And yet, I am and I do... if not to others, to myself.

So tonight, I was thinking to myself, "How can I change that?" I came up with two brilliant ideas
1)Cut the excess!
2)Be extreme!
Then (because I want to be extreme) I united the two into one thought. Cut your excess in an extreme way. I realize that this is a very vague post, one that will most likely leave you thinking, "huh?"...but, just know that I know exactly where I'm going with this. You must hold me accountable and over the next few months I want to cut back on a few areas of my life in such a way that it really hurts...that it really makes me think, pause and realize how much of the world experiences less than my "extreme less."

So, dear blog friends. I will keep you in the loop on just where the path of these next months will be leading me after I kind of get a handle on my insanity. By the end on the week, I will have a schedule, month-by-month on what I will be cutting back on and my goals with it... I have no idea on time frames here either; so I'll be thinking of that, too.

But to leave you with a few more pictures....

In 2010, there were 925 million hungry people in this world. Just in case you can't grasp that number, let me spell it out for you.... nine-hundred-twenty-five million people. Human lives. Just in case you don't get it yet, there are 28 letters in that number... that's one heck of a sad number.

 So, most the world is hungry and starving... (if that doesn't phase you, please go find a heart) and over 884 million people, again, we're talking about human beings here...just like you and me, remember.. have UNsafe DRINKING water. They can't even drink water. Tragic is a total understatement.


So, do you promise? Do you promise to hold me to whatever crazy schemes I decide to implement in order to realize the excess in my life? How about you? Will you join me in some way shape or form?? ...I'll leave you to think about it. I know, it's TOUGH.

As Always,

Drama, Drama, Drama

Do you ever feel like this?? It's a bit dramatic, huh? But, I mean, by golly! aren't I allowed to be dramatic every once in awhile? Also, it's totally chicken scratch...so excuse the sketch but, a girl's gotta let out emotion somewhere...

I actually did this a few months ago..while I was in some kind of class lecture. I don't remember what kind of day it was exactly, but obviously, I was feeling quite ready to pull my hair out. It's rather upsetting when you're a control freak, you know. Not only does it upset others, but it upsets me... like all the time. There are times when I'm so mad that things aren't going my way that I start finding reasonable things that no one could take away from me... Did I say reasonable? I mean completely unreasonable. I mean, the whole idea behind this drawing alone shows unreasonableness. Where, oh where is my reason?

How could I expect things to go my way? Or be in my control? I don't know how I could, but obviously, I did and I still do...

The odd thing is, sometimes I can totally just go with the flow- who cares? kind of attitude. Then sometimes one big thing gets to me and then the things that are out of control pile up and I just feel suffocated. It's daunting. Upsetting. I hate that feeling.

Carrot Fries, Anyone?

Just thought I'd share my new crazy find. It's a super yummy snack, by the way... or side dish? Anyways, have you ever considered why "fries" are only made of some kind of potatoes? Well, wonder no more. Today I made carrot fries... seriously.

6 (or more or less) Carrots

2 Tbsp. of Olive Oil

Sea Salt / Pepper

Cut up the carrots (i halved them and then cut them into fourths, long ways), throw them in a bowl, drizzle olive oil, add salt and pepper. Cook on 425 for 25-30 minutes.... depending on the crunchiness you like. Personally, I would have made mine more crunchy- but there's always next time :)

As Always,

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Happy day! I am now on Bloglovin... please follow me there if you haven't already followed my blog :)

As Always,

Do you ever just sit on your front porch all alone under a huge roof that reaches out to shelter you from the beautiful rain falling all around you? On those kinds of nights do you sit on a bench that you and your mom stopped to buy on the side of a highway at a random junk shop because you knew, after it was painted the perfect shade, it would look just perfect on your porch? The one you bought on that summer day while laughing after riding your beautiful horse? Do you ever sit and drink tea, ponder your thoughts and shiver...even though you have a blanket on? ...oh, you don't? hm.

Well, here I sit thinking of all of the above and also pondering my day...and the people who are watching me as I sit under a lit porch, night time, in the rain....in pink, zip up, bunny footy pajamas and what they are thinking. It was quite an eventful day. One that I wish never happened. You see, are you ever aware of a terrible situation that is occurring to someone that you love so dearly and yet, you know that you can do nothing about it? Of course you have...at least if you've ever loved anybody.

You can't help but feel completely helpless when this occurs. It's obvious you can do nothing. You can control nothing. Or so I thought. This morning, when I realized one of my sweet sister's world was caving in all around her, I felt that way; I felt despair. Then, the thought came- or maybe it was given- to me that no! i was not helpless! I could pray.

pray continually;

Continually be prayerful.

pray without ceasing,

pray unceasingly;

continually pray ye;

Do you get it? Pray. I can't believe I was such an idiot and thought I could do nothing... of course I could do nothing!!!! Nothing except mope... BUT I know that and trust that the Lord of the Universe, the Maker of heaven and earth, the One who created me, hears my words- not only that, but he does something with them... he listens. He knows my desires maybe even more than I because he is the one who has it all planned out. Not only does he listen, but HE is the one who has control over the situation, what happens; he will work it for his good. 

You know, sometimes I write on this site in order for myself to believe the words I see in front of my face. Unfortunately I don't always comply with what I write. So don't start thinking I got it all together- that's the least I have. But I know I don't have it all together and that's more than a lot of other people can say. I'm just glad that Jesus makes up for all my shortcomings. He promises. And I know he's faithful. That, my friends, I believe with all that I am.

As Always,

I've Found Myself Attached To This Railroad Track

Band: First Aid Kit
Genre: Folk
Favorite Album: The Big Black & The Blue
Favorite Song: Ghost Town (lyric above)

I'm such a huge fan of folk. Everything folk. All day every day. But not so much the old kind of folk. I like the new stuff. These sisters were quite relaxing to listen to. I had my [panties in a wad(1)] over a certain situation and this music calmed me down quite immediately. I can't exclaim just how much I admire the stories that artists put in their songs. You can tell that theirs are truly from the heart- how incredible. What a gift. Stories communicated through passionate songs... there is possibly nothing better. Well, of course there is something better, but you know what I mean.

(1) The expression "panties in a wad"- alluding to the fact of frustration over something that doesn't matter an incredulous amount.

As Always,

Where Quantity Matters and Quality Lacks

Yes, this is the truth. For years and years my wonderful dad has dragged my mother and I to this food trough. Now, not to offend anyone who actually enjoys this place (such as my father, brother and Abby) but, let's face it... this place not only has no nutritional value but it's atmosphere/experience is rather lacking as well.

However, I do not want to completely shed this place in a dark light. I have incredible memories here. Tonight happened to be one of the best. For the record, the mumbling I provide, the complaining that ensues following the topic of "Golden Corral," only provides more dynamics to the whole restaurant selection process. Truth is, we probably make it here only once a year...if that shows you just how much complaining I do at the very mention.

But the laughter is priceless. It touches my soul. Apparently only this deep, awesome laughter can only occur over fattening food and a neon light environment. At the same time, it was kind of somber... The fact that my brother is leaving just kills me. I hate to put a damper on the pseudo comedic post, but in 6 months, my brother will be in Ohio. 8 hours away. Gah. Overwhelming sadness. Boo.

Who will be the one to add an awkward silence? A ridiculous wit that will make anyone fall off their seat? I'll never hear his specific pitter-patter when he walks in the squeaky garage door while humming some crazy tune...at least for a few months spread at a time. Who will be the one to shed a rational light on my irrational emotions or tearful situations? The one to give me the few and far between hugs that happen to come in the perfect timing...meaning all the more.

Boy, oh boy. I am ecstatic about the places he is going with his life- I could not be more proud. But selfishly, I wish we could leave at the exact same time... touch base over phone when we're experiencing similar college experiences, maybe I could call him when I'm slightly homesick and he might be able to (possibly, if I caught him on a bad day) relate. BUT. No. He will be leaving a year early. He will happen to experience a totally different year then I will and for the first time ever, we will not share a roof, nor food, nor nightly laughter, nor friends.

Here's for an extremely busy senior year. I figure if I stay busy enough I might not blunder on the fact, the realization, that I won't be seeing one of my best friends for months. Sounds like a healthy solution.. am I right, or am I right??

(amazing what good ole memories Golden Corral can bring to mind...)

As Always,

So often things don't go as I plan. For instance, this morning, I woke up late- got ready rather quickly, ran down stairs made a smoothie, kissed mom goodbye and headed out the door. ONLY to let out a terrified screech to find that, low and behold, half the earth's water supply had seeped through my open sunroof. If you can imagine, that in itself was quite defeating... I run inside grab towels quickly to (try to) dry everything and hop in the car... 10 minutes late now. While I'm driving up Creedmoore, I realize I left my leather bag at home. Just so happened to have my phone in that bag. And some cash. My gas tank was empty. Okay, okay... I'm still in pretty good humor at this point. I pick up a friend, he has cash- thank you, Lord! We fill up, hop on the highway... I spill my smoothie. Needless to say, I will be cleaning out my car today when I get home.

But you know, this has been such a reoccurring theme in my life, recently. Could quite possibly be that, regardless of my carelessness, I need to lay my plans down at Jesus' feet? Throughout this entire six months, it seems like nothing I intended to happen has happened... instead, everything I intended wouldn't happened did happen. It was tough. Brutal even. Disappointing in some areas and overflowingly fulfilling in others.

In the beginning of this year, I had a chance to go to Florida and just spend some alone time, getting away from everything except for myself. It was there that I realized just that. I can't get away from myself. Everywhere I will ever go... I bring myself along, too. And you know what? That might sound simple but, if it was, people would live differently. So what exactly do I mean when I say I bring myself with me? I mean... I bring my imperfectness everywhere, my rude thoughts, my selfish demeanor, my sarcastic nature, my always attempting perfectionism tendencies. I bring my lack of sleep, my grumpiness, my sadness and sulkiness, my ideas and thoughts... my dreams. I also bring the good parts of me, too [don't want to be a complete "Debbie Downer"] I know my every thought- and, obviously, I bring them with me.


Most of the time, we make ourselves miserable.

I think that there are two types of human nature. The type that likes to dwell all by themselves and wrought in their choices, actions, decisions.. or the type that just cannot, under any circumstances, be alone. If they are alone, they will actually have to realize and think about themselves. Who they are. Now, let's be honest, there is no good way here. Both limit people. Both affect lives. Both do more hurt than help.

I tend to lean on the side of the first type- the one who contemplates failure so that they can try to never do it again. The type that can be quite good at beating themselves up. When I was in Florida, I was smacked in the face with all the times in the past six months that I didn't handle my unexpected plans well. I was prideful... so much so that I was lying on the account that I had been doing well. But I really wasn't. I was challenged with so many thoughts, so many things...that I was exploding. I was in disbelief over all that was happening. None. Seriously. And, on top of that, I had this thought repeating itself, "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS!!!" Oh, how often do we think that? How self-pitiful. How ridiculous.

My point with all of the above is, things don't go as planned. They just don't. They might be "supposed" to go as planned but trust me, Jesus has different plans. It seems like he almost always does. But they are better, those plans grow me- they change me.

Whilst in the sunshine state, the Lord gave me a reminder that I'm never done growing and changing- transforming more and more to his likeness. His likeness is perfect. Even though I desire to be more and more like him everyday, I know that I will never grasp perfection. At least not until the day I reach heaven. I can't wait for that day. Not because I want to be perfect...but because I want nothing more than to be in the perfect presence of my Savior.

(this post was written friday and edited over the weekend :))

As Always,              

Oh, 4am Is the Time When You Were Mine Frozen in Deepest Sleep

So, in order to start being productive with my 2012 goals and, being the multi-tasker that I am, I decided to kill THREE birds with one stone. No violence, of course. Today I have
1)Discovered a new band
2)Made a new recipe for lunch
3)AND (drum role please) blogged about it!

Now I will expound upon the first two... I'm hoping that the third is rather self-explanatory and doesn't need my assistance.

Okay, for the first. My new band. Envision this: I'm on youtube just clicking on one of my favorite songs... when I look up the lyrics for it ( i like to read the lyrics, every time for every song- weird habit ) I see the original writer so naturally I look up her songs. Then I realize that another one of her songs is actually a cover for another band..at which point click on their band! and then BAM. I fell in love. No really, I did. And of course I am now well versed in all of their songs...(no pun intended)

Band: Cherry Ghost
Genre: Indie Rock
Favorite Album: Beneath This Burning Shoreline
Fav Song: 4am (line from the song is blog post:))

So, now that I had a totally rad band to listen to... I had to check something off the list and get cookin'! I came to the conclusion that I just don't know why brussel sprouts have such a bad rep with kids. They are positively delicious. And easy as 1-2-3. (Picture courtesy of Abby's camera and my mad skills..ha.)
Recipe:
Steam sprouts for 5-7 mins. Cut into fourths. Sear in frying pan and add olive oil/sea salt. I made a simple balsamic reduction (due to the suggestion of another blog I read) and added it to the mix. I then added some spices----> from the Savory Spice Shoppe :) ...yum. It was such a delightful lunch. You should try it!

As Always,