~Eloah~

Tonight was a night where I just overwhelmingly came before God so discouraged that I was unable, imperfect. Many life situations have been coming up- and for some reason God has given me eyes that see. They see the hurt, pain- awful things…things that break my heart. Honestly, Jesus Christ is the One who has broken my heart. Down trodden, gloomy and downright sad I came to Jesus Christ’s throne room. I touched the curtain he tore for me, in order for ME to come and talk to HIM. I admitted my devastated and crushed emotions and He showed me this-
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” -2 Corinthians 1:3-4
He talks. He cares. He loves- O, how He loves. So, Dear Friends- if you are heavy laden and burdened….come lay it before the throne of the God who comforts. Not only does he comfort but he does so in order that WE may have the strength to comfort others. This verse just felt like a battery charger for me. To know that the Lord comforts me so that I may comfort others gives me peace… He always does provide.
“Lay your worries before Me…for I love you.”

~Update~

~Unmistakably Beautiful~

Here I am in Oregon. Its gorgeous here. It's an escape... a breather. A break from my busy life. I am completely and utterly being refreshed and my soul.. it is well. Its so interesting what sticks out to you. Usually when I go into things I already feel like I know what will impact or move my heart...however, this time I've been very wrong.
The horse property we've been spending our time on is breath-taking...serene. Its really just a place of God. A place of beauty! The classes have been amazing- truly encouraging. BUT the most touching part was this woman. She is truly beautiful. You know you must think I'm a freak for saying that but God has just laid beauty on my heart. Ha, some of you have heard my, "everyone is beautiful" shpeel but recently God has changed that into... I can be beautiful. Not the beautiful of the world.. Im talking the beautiful of God.
The thing is.. This lady's beauty wasnt just something that I saw- its something EVERYone saw. She shines from the inside and it makes her positively radiant on the outside. The vulnerability she has to offer is astounding. Her truly feminine heart, touching.
Why are women these days so closed off? Why am I afraid to be vulnerable? Dont we know that WE were made in the image of the GOD of the UNIVERSE? If we were made in his image than how, HOW can we not know how incredible it is to be who he created us to be? soft, sweet, endearing, kind, yet on fire, passionate, loving... impactful.
Just a few weeks ago I really drew myself in for some reason. I didnt stop being real I just feel like I stopped being vulnerable. You see, when you live in a state of vulnerability your constantly aware of an attack. The enemy can attack your heart, your soul, and definitely your mind. He did mine... and I had to repent from that. How many opportunities did I loose because I didnt trust HIM to protect me? I was truly caught up in MYself... but through that I wasnt at peace because I wasnt being who God, Himself, calls me to be.
I really feel like this was God's gift to me... O, I am SO thankful he's here to guide my path! To show me it OK to cry when something touches your heart- tears of joy or tears of sorrow. Its OK to humbly kneel before your God even though your thoughts are "what will they think of me?". Its OK... to follow the Spirit. I think that each one of us who has the Holy Spirit is probed by Him differently, and that is amazing! but I think true beauty remains the same no matter what. I think that when you see someone who you know is walking humbly with their God and kneeling worshipingly (go ahead and add that one to my dictionary too) before his AWEsome throne- I think THAT is what is captivating and THAT is unmistakably beautiful.

Like a million kisses...

Today... I asked God to show me His love for me. I mean I know He does love me and I don't doubt it but I just needed Him to show me. He did. After a day full of work (which doesn't ever feel like work) I went to go feed all the horses and as I put down the first bucket the heavens just BROKE LOOSE! To some, or most, this would be awful but to me.. it was absolutely incredible. Breath-taking. I just stood there with the other buckets in my hands looking up to my God, laughing. Sometimes things just touch my heart and I don't even know why but today it was, truly, a million kisses from my father. I seriously felt insane for laughing but that was my first reaction to my Lord and His incredible love for me. To me rain has always meant freedom- a numbing freedom. Its romantic. Its enveloping. Its practical beauty. It brings a promise. It shows new beginnings. It has the power to wash away. It makes me want to run. It makes me feel loved. How odd...but it actually does. It actually makes me feel loved.

**Update**

Impacted on all sides (:

I am so crazily impacted by so many people and I have never written about it! So now I will (:
First of all every single one you have impacted my life and who I am in so many ways for the better or for the worse...mostly the better, so dont worry! I'm not mentioning names so you'll just be left to wonder i guess.

For starters something that warms my heart every night is when my daddy comes in and kisses my forehead and then whispers in my ear, "your daddy loves you... sweet dreams." Every night for ten years... I love you sooo daddy. p.s. your laugh.
Mama!! O my, you are incredible.. and I truly stand in amazement at all you do for me. Everything. Most especially you search my eyes and then give me a hug. You know me SO well. I love you sooo too!

I have this one friend who, when I feel so unencouraged, says the most uplifting amazing things. I've found my phone many times saying one new voicemail to find her voice telling me.. reminding me of the Greatness of our God. Thank you dear (:

You... o! Always! I can come to you with anything to hear a likeminded opinion on exactly how I should go from where I am. Sweet friend you remind me of God's words with scripture or through books or just your words to affirm my path or help me onto a different one.

One day I walked into church and you gave me a hug! Your eyes cared on how I really was.

I feel like I have to tell you everything that goes on in my life or I just cant continue.. I need to laugh with you and you always make me laugh! Thank you for always showing me life... living. I love you for who you are no matter how hard it gets we are here for each other.

The man who is like my father... every time I see you I know things will always be the same in our relationship. I know you will always love me and your support in my life and what im doing means the world. You are incredible and i love you.

Endless rides to the barn.. hot chocolate on cold nights... McDonalds every weekend for ages... Show tunes at Imperial Garden.. Laughing while watching the stars. Grams I love love love you so!

Your notes came in the perfect timing...the flowers they touched my heart. Thank you for investing and caring. Through many of my dramatic days last summer we got to talk and talk in Starbucks. You make me smile and you have been such an incredible example for what trials are when you choose to walk by Jesus. Thank you.

I've faced it.. Mock Trial wouldnt have been the same without you. Krispy Kreme, Bojos, I had fun. Thank you for being there on a rough day.. dont worry. You didnt make it worse- even if you think you did. (:

YOU!!! You amaze me. I had one of the best nights with you. Even though I was hacking away.. we shared advice, hurts, and different situations at TWO in the morning over crepes.. Thank you for your sincerity and your hugs every friday.

My dearest... I wish you were still here. I wish we could still do crafts and run around. Things arent the same without you but you have impacted me most and I love you.

Now for my best friend. You know me better then anyone else. Even though I say others are my best friend and you know that I absolutely adore you. No matter what happens we will still be here for each other and I know that. Thank you for staying up with me and sharing secrets... sharing stuff we felt only safe to share with each other.. thank you for telling me when Im being, well.. ya. and thanks for being truthful and trusting. I love you big brother (:

Thank you for telling me Im beautiful, that the day will get better, that you understand and that you're here for me. You mean the world to me darling.

So I know that I havent mentioned just about a gagillion people but I didnt want to make it forever long. So thank you my dear blessings (: God has put you in my life to bring a lil heaven on earth and I thank Him everyday for you...

**Update**

Dependent.. On what?

Why am I such a letdown? Why do I allow people to even let me down?

I forget so easily that it’s not people who have written the very words of who I am on my heart. It’s not people who have the ability to see me or are continually for me even when I am being horrible. It’s my King. Everyday…every hour.. almost every minute I forget that. Instead, I begin to look to people for my comfort, my peace, my security. Patiently Jesus, O Jesus, He writes to my heart.. He whispers in my ear.. “It’s me Anna. I am always here for you.. III will never let you down. Dear sweet child, pick up your cross and follow Me.” Then the next minute “Daughter, follow me.” The next.. “I give you honest and sincere love.” The next, “I, my love, am the Real Thing.” He constantly comes for me. He repeatedly rescues my broken heart and heals it with such compassion.
Truly, I am so frustrated. His kindness and adoration for me is not dependent on anything. However, what I consist of is completely dependent… on everything! His Grace comes in and it just sweeps me away. When my heart is so hard He lifts me up. Remembering that utterly wipes my frustration away.
Then, I try an follow his calling… but you see his calling is to never have the feeling of “Im done! I am just DONE!” Unfortunately, that’s what I’ve found myself saying often! How weak. Know why? It’s me who’s living and I’m not allowing Christ to live completely through me. So of course IM done- What am I without Him? His calling for my life is to never be done for He is right there beside me… always leading me by still waters and even when I go through the valley He is STILL there. Always. Always. Always. (How come whenever I write everything here it all sounds like, "Of course! How did I not see that before?" man o man o man!)

My Response to His goodness: joy.

*Update on my life...spiritually*