Of course there were mixed emotions with leaving the center yesterday... to know that I would, most likely, never see the kids that I had cared for the whole week broke my heart. I can't really explain how it feels to become so immensely attached to someone and then leave them knowing you won't be with them again. It's intense and emotional.

But in happy news, the little boy I had been working with all week finally smiled. He was so precious and I will never forget his little imprints on my heart. The atmosphere became slightly somber since all our American ladies wanted to take the children home to the States. It's extremely hard to remember that they have families of their own and moms that care greatly for them... they just can't feed them.

In order to lighten up the hard goodbye from yesterday, we (meaning Nick, Lydia, Chase, Tracey and Mom...and me) went all around Antigua. Nick played football with all the Guatemalan locals and even met a friend that shared his passion for language...which was pretty cool. We all hiked up on this hill that looked out over Antigua and it had a cross of the very top of it. It was breath-taking. Completely breath-taking. Pictures are to come- i've just misplaced a downloading cord. We all gathered at the foot of the cross (how cool) and prayed for the city.

We walked around town.
            Ate a true Guatemalan meal at a super cool restaurant.
                   Shopped- of course.
                           Spent time with our favorite Guatemalans (:
                                   Prepared for language school in the morning.

I'm really excited for the rest of the week to unfold. As of now I feel blessed, oh so blessed, and tired...           

our lives changed by children who can't even speak

So, I'm aware that I'm a day behind but you know what? I think I can fill you guys in with just one wall post... I'm pretty talented(:

Today was a beautiful day. Unlike yesterday, it wasn't rainy and the sun was actually shining through the beautiful white clouds of Guatemala. The people were out and about on the streets of San Juan... The streets that look something like this.

Every time I make the trip up to the center I'm reminded of how lucky I am yet just how selfish I am, too. I look down and see the water that flows through the rivers- it looks something like chocolate milk with a disgusting mixture of trash and human waste. Nothing is very clean yet, oddly enough, everything is very beautiful. The bright colors and the impeccable, well cared for landscape absolutely blows my mind. These lovely people are such hard workers and unfortunately the reality still remains... they can't feed their own children.

Thankfully there is a malnutrition center at the top of a hill that overlooks all of San Juan. It's a breath taking view and one that will surely break your heart. You know, as I was riding back to the city of Antigua, today, I was trying to comprehend the way these moms feel when they drop their very own babies off with people they don't even know and so... I started to visualize it.

Honestly, I tried to but I just couldn't. I couldn't truly visualize the agony that is bound to occur in the mom's heart. But here is my attempt:
The walk that most of the moms make is usually days long. They hike up mountains and walk through the rain, they carry their baby on their back and try to comfort them... They persevere all the way up to this little yellow building that houses many hungry crying babies. They walk in the door and are overwhelmed with the realization that *this* is where they drop their child up and *this* is where they will be picking them up in 6 long months. Imagine the fear.
What if he doesn't remember me?
            What if he has different favorites?
                        And what happens if he chooses a worker over me?
What-ifs invade her mind and she's on the verge of turning down the hill until she is overtaken with the fact that there is no food at home. No meals for him to eat. And he will die if she take him with her. So, she walks bravely through those doors, drops him into the arms of a short little lady, and treks down the hill... tears drowning her face.

With the realization of this story the children's lives become so much more real... so much more important. I know that I am taking care of someone's child... that someone desperately wants them but can't provide for them so, for these 3 days I will do my best to care for this child like it's my own. And that is what our bus load of Americans have done. We have cared for these children like they were our own and this comes with pain.

This is Julio, and I am utterly (is there a stronger word I can use) attached to him and he is completely attached to me. He cries and cries unless I am the one holding him... no one else will do. He is totally precious and the most beautiful little boy. All I want to do is bring him home. and I'm [NOT] kidding.

To be so wanted, by a little human being- it's just tear jerking. Now, I put myself back in his mothers foot steps and I can't even imagine... I can't imagine it at all.

Okay, moving on from my "story of the day"... here is my verse of the day.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
This is my prayer for tomorrow. I just desire to comfort these children in anyway possible Jesus has provided me oh so much comfort. Also, I hate to offer this as a sort of "after thought" but I promise it isn't... There is a little boy named Jose who is two years old (maybe more) and yesterday he came into the center. He was in such terrible condition that he was miserable no matter what he did. He would just stare at the ceiling and moan in pain. We tried to put an IV in him ("we" meaning the nurse we brought along from the states) but he was so dehydrated, so tired, so skinny that he had to go to the hospital. Please be lifting him up in your prayers.

and here it begins...

Here I am. Floating in the air. It’s such a remarkable phenomenon isn’t it? But how grateful I am for this flying invention because today it will bring me to one of my favorite places on earth. I am on my way to Guatemala City, Guatemala (go figure ;]) Here I will be taking care of beautiful, helpless and malnourished babies

The poor The hungry The needy. 

As I look out the window and think of how I’m sitting above the clouds, I’ve started to contemplate what exactly Jesus has in store for this trip. Where exactly will I be going? Who exactly will I be helping? How exactly will I be changed? And the questions go on and on. I know that the exactly(s) in my questions may never be answered but then I think of just how cool that is. This trip is so much bigger than anything I will ever be able to “comprehend”... I may never realize the exact degree of change that occurred in me over this time or the change that happened in others but that’s okay.

This morning I have been searching for a verse that I can cling to and remind myself of my purpose for being here and I think I’ve just found it. It’s from Psalms 51. It says,

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken sprit; a broken and contrite heart, oh God this you will not despise.”

What does it look like to have a broken spirit? A contrite heart? 

.be humble. 

I know that the places I have seen God work the most in my life are when I know that I am not strong enough and that without him I can do nothing. When my heart is in that place the most incredible things happen. I feel like I am completely and utterly moldable. 

Please be praying. Pray that the members of our team will have hearts open wide to Jesus’ plan for our trip. Pray that they will know why they are here and who they are here for. Pray for strength for us as we love on children whose condition you would never even imagine. 

Last year I journaled daily. This year I’m going to try to blog daily.

I’m excited for this adventure to begin (: