*Blank*

You wanna know a thought that has struck me of recent? I am just one away...
One too terrible a day with one too terrible a thought entertained and I could...blank. Fill in that blank with whatever you want. Truly. I am human. So are you. For that reason alone blank can be the very worst thought imaginable or the very best- it's full of potential, possibility. Have you ever humbled yourself enough to look at the "worst person" on the face of this planet and say, "If I had been where you were, thought what you thought and felt what you felt...I could be your replacement?"

If you're being honest with yourself, it's quite possible the thought never plucked your heartstrings.

Why have I allowed myself to loose the realization of my humanness? You know the part of me that is utterly flawed? [What does this word flaw even mean?  Flaw: noun: 3. a crack, break, or breach.] Maybe, what I mean to say is, how can I, with my incomplete (yet totally understood) knowledge of the brokenness I consist of, the breakage in my soul, or better yet, the breach in my intended nature surfaced with the moment of my first breath, how can I, with all this proof of my flawed-ness look at another with eyes glazed in judgement?

Jesus was perfect- human, yet no soul flaws. For the sinners, the flawed ones, that crossed his path, the thought he extended was compassion. He was moved to compassion. And he had compassion on them.  He had compassion for these people. He had compassion on them, had compassion on them, compassion on them, compassion on them. Jesus was so perfect, he could/can/did/does overcome the blank I easily fall into and you easily judge or the blank you fall into and I easily judge. Funny how both of us are sinning in that last sentence; Jesus is the only blameless Lamb.

Quick recap: I (a sinner) cross another sinners path, my first flawed thought would be to judge, to lack understanding. Jesus (opposite a sinner) crosses sinners' paths and has compassion.
[boy, are we a messed up mess or what?]

I write this post because (A) I am convicted and (B) I have been watching countless and differing documentaries that share something in common: whenever the title Christian comes up, the word, by definition, in association is judgmental. [The second is hypocrite, but that's for another time.]

I plead with the true believers, reach deep into your heart and start unfolding the (metaphorical) slips of paper which have blank written on it, take a cold hard look at them. Without Jesus, this is who you are. It is ONLY because of Jesus you are no longer defined by a terrible word(s) that shakes the very corridors of your heart with shame, guilt and fear. You are (re)defined. But to those who are still known only by past/current/future mistakes, I implore us, as Christians, to look with eyes washed in compassion to replace the glaze of judgement. Compassion was the tagline in Jesus' ministry. It should be the same in ours.

Considerations of Recent

If college is the normal route, what is the appeal? Is it just to attain an education, a certain status in society? Or is it greater? More meaningful? Perhaps it allows for college-specific life experience unattainable anywhere else? Could I achieve the same if I were to leave this societal suburbia, catch a flight 3,000 miles away from extravagance, comfortable and all that has been my life thus far? Are these thoughts screaming cold feet? ...finish what you start, finish what you start... But did I even start this? I'm glad it began, but if I didn't start it then does ending become necessity?

Half the day, I find myself wondering how I am where I am and how I became this 2%. The percentage that never ever worries about food on the spacious kitchen table inside the perfectly beautiful american house so much so that I can complain about the food served. I am thankful for the food. The spacious kitchen table. The perfectly beautiful and american house. Every bit of it I am grateful and honored to have. Nonetheless, I can't help but think somewhere along the line I got this askew and began my slew. (couldn't help it.) How did I win this lottery? What about the 98%? Anyway, I've been reading entirely too often recently, and one of the heavier choice reads has been Mere Christianity in hopes to finally finish it (after 3 attempts)- that, and it's a class assignment now.        
Something Clyde Staples spoke resounded so deeply inside me that I cannot shake it, "I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare. In other words, if our expenditure of comforts, luxuries, amusements, etcetera is up to the standard common among those with the same income as our own, we are probably giving way too little. If our charities do not pinch or hamper us, I should say that they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot do because our charitable expenditure excludes them." Which struck me. Hit me. Sucker punched me right on the spot titled "I have this all figured out" that somehow printed itself on my heart. What do I abandon in order help the cause of  poor? I would be generous to myself if I merely said "not enough." To be honest and looking at the grand scheme, I give nothing and I forfeit nothing. Great self realization... not really, actually.

And what about this thing called "relationship"? By saying there are seasons for friendships and relationships, am I really just wimping out or speaking out of ignorance? Are the so called seasons more purposeful when it comes to the title placement? Could it be that my generation has cheapened the definition of friendship to an extent that there will hardly be any relationship that last long enough? Maybe our societal thinking is backwards, the exception should be a short-lasting friendship and not a long-lasting one?

So, I'll just apologize right off the bat, (i've been reading a book of idioms recently, as well. making a new kind of splash in the pool of conversation.) for any misunderstandings you may think or have. I mostly wrote this just to write. And I wrote it for those who may have considered the same considerations I have...as of recent.

The End.

It was forever ago. Maybe a lifetime- or possibly a different one in its entirety. During the spell when night and day reversed and sleeplessness owned routine. He was her intrigue, everything about him. And she was to him more or less than will ever be revealed or recognized. He stepped with mystery, clasped his hands tightly together but only held the suffocating air of emptiness. Oh, those eyes- icey, chilling, but not quite frozen- annihilating boundaries. When they crumbled, her heart felt boundless, total freedom exhilarated the atmosphere. A frenzied flame to her naivety. Hind-sighting, the only view is half- nothing is full- the picture imprinted onto the ravines of her soul is half of a smile, half of a heart... a clear division of the outer and the inner. An unhappy mind in a place of joyous occasion is a doomed concoction of misery and misunderstanding. But what was replaying in that mind? Those eyes? Questioning herself, puzzle piecing together the very minutia that entailed her being; perhaps it was her. The quest to complete his smile ensued. Regrettably. Pointlessly. The secrets that inevitably lay within the sunken corner of his mouth unnerved her to the core- mystery waged its war inside her mind and the aftermath was cruel. But, the truth is, only half of his heart was ever placed in her small, inexperienced hands. Some would think this a sad story, I agree- it was. They stamped any togetherness with finality and titled it~ The End. Things end, that isn't bad... it's only tragic when a finality lays claim to an unknown, unsettled corridor of the human heart.

We Have A Wonderful Life...

These words, these simple, simple words. 

Spoken out of awe, wonder, sheer amazement and stun tens if not hundreds of times from the lips of my dad. The thing is, the statement is never puffed full of pride and accomplishment- no, not at all- all I hear when those words spill out of my father’s heart is thankfulness. The life we’ve been given is just that.. Given. A gift. A beautiful, undeserved one. 

Recently, I’ve heard these words everywhere- whenever I’m with my dad...and sometimes it feels like he ends almost every sentence expressing once again how awestruck he is. Maybe I’m so utterly shocked by the tone he uses, or the times he chooses to say it or just the simple peace it brings.... Or maybe I hear those words so often because I’m just as shocked, amazed and thankful as he is. 

My thankfulness is not only attached to the material commodities a nice life in America brings- those don’t even begin to start the list. Mostly, it’s the richness of relationship, the privilege of being so *known* and having such undeniable hope... And this sparked a journey to adopt.

Not unlike other areas of our life, our idea didn’t exactly succeed... Mom and Dad went through an entire Foster Care course in order to take kids from Wake County into our home upon a phone call that a home was needed. We were a certified family, our home was a certified house, now all we needed was to receive a call and we’d have a new kid in our home! ...if only anything like this worked that smoothly! 

Switch gears

It was during that month that our home and family inspections were occurring that the Lord set a beautiful little boy in my path. He didn’t stumble in my direction. He leapt toward me and hopped on my back- refusing to let go. I met him at Hope Reins, a non-profit ministry I volunteer for (blog here: www.hopereinsraleigh.blogspot.com) and the second I laid eyes on him I felt this childish sense of freedom and saw a deep sense of alone-ness. What an odd combination. Freedom. Alone-ness. Seems like it doesn’t fit? All it takes is one look into those uber dark brown eyes, one witness to his throw-my-arms-back-in-laughter release or one of his pearly white smiles to make you smitten and get you in a playful mood- he just does that. The feeling of alone-ness I saw, he later explained to me over poop scooping (remember, Hope Reins is a farm...not every job is glamorous ;)). His parents died within 3 months of each other. He was 5. His mom and dad were never married. Now, he was currently living at a boarding school.

Tears. 

There’s only one way to say it, he snuck into my heart, nestled himself real cozy and snuggled- it didn’t seem like he could ever leave. After my parents had the grand opportunity to meet him, they were soon smitten as well. That little trouble-maker just has his way with us! We okay’d it with his guardian to have him spend the night one weekend...and those weekends just never stopped. Pretty soon the questions of “Can you adopt me?” “I want to be home schooled!”  “Why can’t I always live here?” crept in, and great patience, prayer and petition became my necessities. 

I just want to clear one thing up, sometimes Jordan annoys me to pieces. His outgoing- always running- needing attention- thriving on people- can’t sit still and settle- thing can drive me bonkers. I get angry- I reprimand- I ignore. But then, he knocks on my door one hundred times, starts that mope-y shoulder look and I realize how much I absolutely adore him. 

I’ve seen my dreams come true, I never lost hope for my desire to have a little brother...and that’s just what he is to me. All the previous story to say, Jordan is officially moving in with the Foulkrod family... I can’t even comprehend my excitement currently. There is shock, worry and unabandoned JOY...dumbfounded that Jordan’s guardian, a sweet friend of his mom who died, has allowed this life- this wonderful life- to improve all the more. Life gets sweeter when more life is added. 

I know that many of you have prayed for this day to come, also...Thank you for your prayers!! I know that these crazy schemes only come from God and his plan and so of course, I’ll continue singing his praises all through the night :) As I continue posting stories on this blog (my learnings, mistakes, experiences, ect.) I am sure Jordan with be a common theme as I know I have so much to learn from him and having him in our home 24/7. I am beyond pumped. There’s a lot of new stuff for me to figure out. 

I guess Mom will never experience the feelings of empty-nesting because after Jordan graduates, who knows what’s next for these parents o’ mine? ;0)

“Now to him who is able to more than all we could ever ask or imagine!” “Every good thing comes from You!”

As Always,

Anna