A College Application Essay...

Anna S Foulkrod

  “Ah, not in knowledge is happiness but in the acquisition of knowledge! In forever knowing, we are forever blessed.”

 Edgar Allan Poe  

Since age three, I have been fascinated with knowing; not the typical acquisition of facts and know-hows of academia, but instead, my interest has been in knowing people. In my experience the best way to understand and truly discern who a person has become is by asking questions. Much of this comprehension came through the process of being  a counselor/staff member at Hope Reins Raleigh. As I interacted with hurting children and youth, I learned we often settle on a surface knowledge of human beings rather than a deep  understanding of the person. My journey began with an introduction as I shook a special person’s hand. This girl knew she had a  problem and needed to find a source of hope. Her name is Sophie, and she changed my life and taught me more than she will ever realize. 

 Hope Reins Raleigh has been set apart for children ages 5-18 to find healing from any hurtful life situation, current or past, through the pairing of a certified leader and a rescued horse. This trio, child, leader and horse, has proven to be a brilliant combination. Through my involvement as a certified leader, I have encountered far too many normal looking youth with desperately troubled hearts like Sophie. The purpose of this organization is to give children a life changing horse experience but the experience is only a tool. Our real purpose is to know them, to see them for who they are and to point them to the ultimate Giver of hope. Living with her father and his girlfriend after her mom committed suicide in front of her, Sophie was battered by her father and tormented by his girlfriend’s abusive, alcoholic lifestyle. One day she explained to me that, “I remember being seven years old and barely being able to roll over to the other side of the bed. I was bruised so badly. I didn’t listen to her and she beat me with her belt.” Unimaginable abuse repeatedly occurred until Child Services became involved. As a result Sophie entered foster programs until she was eventually adopted. Her heart was broken.  Moreover, the situations she was forced into were emotionally shattering and too much for a child to handle. Hearing Sophie’s story as she  slowly opened her heart left me speechless as I wept and ached with her pain which had become my own.  My first lesson from my little teacher was to know a person by feeling their pain.  I connected with Sophie because I tried to see what she saw, feel what she felt and to relate to her thoughts. Over the next weeks as I met with Sophie, she revealed her habit of cutting. There comes a point when the inner turmoil a person feels becomes overwhelming, which results in a numb feeling by going from a highly emotional state to an extreme numbness, confusion sets in with deep need for release of this pain. Connecting with her at a deep level, I knew this was a moment to ask a  meaningful question which would enable her to expose her soul; to press in until we had both discovered something new about her. My second lesson from my little teacher was to wait until someone is prepared for the meaningful questions. In our last session I realized that she had drastically cut her hair and changed her style and tastes. She eventually  confessed she was trying to “fit in”. I made a mistake by confronting her too quickly. Instead of asking well timed questions and allowing her to recognize her own error, I jumped ahead and left her offended. It is often difficult to realize how much weight words carry, especially to an abused girl. In that raw moment I learned a painful lesson. My third lesson is that timing is frequently as important as the message. 

Each lesson learned with Sophie has been  invaluable in my work with other youth at the Hope Reins. Occasionally I still interact with Sophie and thankfully she has experienced significant healing. I will never forget her story and what I learned from her. So many people in the world have painful stories like Sophie, but so few people actually care enough  to know the hard things about a person. I want to know. As Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

    

Doomed.

I'm peering in through this window. I've been stuck here, nostalgically, for the past weeks left asking the question, is this normal? I have an unreal sadness and an inexpressible excitement at the very same time. Sad but happy. There are days where one over shadows the other but both are present, nonetheless. How could it be that childhood rolled by so quickly? How can it be that things which seemed to happen yesterday actually took place years ago? I'm confused. I feel thirty-something in some areas and twelve in others.
I'm sad. The age I've always been told I acted like I am now becoming.
I'm questioning. I thought for sure I'd feel differently as a senior. I've had symptoms of "senior-itis" since age 5, now I only want to rewind. 
Realistically, I'm still stuck. The advice I am doomed to hear is full of how it will all work out and that God has a plan. I say I am doomed to hear this only because of how these statements are usually delivered. Lightly. Flippantly. Easily.    
I'd say the fact that God has a plan for me (you) (us) is a HUGE deal. Why do we say it so easily? How can it just roll off our tongues? Why am I not allowed-(supposed)- to struggle with that statement? It so difficult for others to allow me to be slightly upset about my lack of direction. Relate to me, engage me, don't dismiss me. 

No Excuses.

What bogs you down high school student that fits perfectly into the crowd? What bogs you so that you can't stand up for Jesus?
What makes you a workaholic, you father of kids and husband of a wife? Are you defined by your work?
How about you mom of beautiful children who is frustrated constantly totally not blinded by a bitter past or an absent husband? How can you make everything look so good but live in a place that's so bad?
Or how about you singles who have lost sight of the love their Savior gives, emotionally emphatic on the fact that's it's too hard to be without another human?

All of these are struggles of being human, I totally get that. But far too often I allow my struggles to restrain the follower of Jesus that I am. I submit to the worthless life of living in my flesh and not to the adventured life of Jesus. I know that when I claim to live life for Jesus but feel strained every second, emotionally overloaded and (for all practical reasons) un-peaceful, I am simply not truly living for Christ. In Philippians 4, the Lord says that in every situation present yourself to God and his peace which transcends anything you and I will ever really understand will come upon us- he will guard our hearts and minds with it. If you can relate thus far, I recommend going ahead and reading the whole chapter in Philippians.

Let me tell you this, anything you're holding onto...it's just not the best. He offers us the best- he has the BEST in mind for us. So, no excuses...let's change the world for him. And let me tell you, friends, it starts in your heart, it starts in my heart.

This poem fit perfectly to what I was feeling and thinking. The second I heard it, my soul started leaping- my heart started amen-ing and then, of course, my hands started their typing.