A Blast From the Past Translated Into the Future

Kids ran wild until they fell asleep on the floor somewhere, anywhere. A group of 30 people ate spaghetti on paper plates. Adults met with their bibles opened for hours and hours. When I look back on my childhood, this thought overwhelms the other memories: I lived in community with people. I grew up in an environment where adults that weren't my parents loved on me and disciplined me all the same, boys and girls who weren't my siblings became my brothers and sisters, we were unified and set apart. It was very strange- but I'd categorize it as impactful before I'd say it was strange.. because, actually, it was my normal.

Somehow, as the years flew by... we all diverged onto different paths. Only a small number of the kids stayed linked in relationship and only a few parents catch up over coffee. It was more than difficult for me to let this stage, this season, of life pass. I couldn't let it go. It was too great. So, instead of being thankful for it's impact I became angry. How could we let go of such a beautiful thing? I questioned that in my journal a few years ago...I'm glad I did because looking back I see more clearly the purpose of that season, the beauty of those people, the extraordinary concept of fellowshipping.  

Through those years, community was imprinted on my heart. Even now, I tear up thinking of how wonderful it is to be known. And that's what we (collectively, as humanity) want so badly, isn't it? To be known by someone for who you are- as clearly as you can be seen- and still be loved deeply. While it is our deepest desire, it tends to also be our most daring venture... because as lovely community is, it can be ten times as hard. It's challenging. Tough. Selfless. Sacrificial. Inconvenient. And yet, it's fulfilling- it's God ordained.

So, this is my tribute to those who touched me; who stood along side my parents and helped raise me; to those who became a safe haven where the freedom to be real resided; who will forever be a brother and will forever be a sister... you know me differently than most and I am so thankful for that special time we had together. I love the places that Jesus has purposefully taken you... I will always remember each of you because you have changed the way that I will parent, the way I befriend, the way I initiate relationship.

More than a tribute, this is a question: In our modern society, specifically, I see a massive degrade in truthful, meaningful community..why? What part does the church play in that degradation? How can we as individual believers stop it, sacrifice some personal convenience and momentary happiness in order to shine as a tight knit, intentional group following an incredibly radical God? "A city on a hill cannot be hidden." It isn't a person on a hill... the Word says a city on a hill cannot be hidden. Life is so much sweeter that way.

Raw.

For reasons such as personal privacy and personal filtration exercises, I don't share the deep and heavy on my blog--- or at least I try not to. I haven't figured out why I do this quite yet. I wonder: am I wary of people I don't know reading the deepest parts of my heart? Or is it the people I do know that I don't truly want to share with? Maybe I'm just aware of the unfair trade-off- you might know me a lot more than I know you and that scares me. I'd rather be in your position. But this. This was too God-given to not share. Alas, my heart is being slightly opened for you so please be kind with your thoughts- don't shed too much judgement but please feel free to relate to this all you can.

Let's hop back into 7 year old Anna's head.. she's having a conversation with her best friend and they are discussing the future together. "I wanna be a nurse," Anna says... "I wanna be a missionary," Rachie returns... "I wanna be a missionary,too..While I am nurse...but I'm going to wait until I'm married." "I'm going to have a boyfriend when I'm 16," Rachie says. "Me too," Anna responds.


Since then, my career path has changed and I cannot even comprehend myself becoming a nurse anymore. Funny. Also, I'm on the verge of turning 18 and I have yet to have a boyfriend. Funnier. However, Rachie is still my best friend... But I call her Rachel more these days. I'm glad some expectations from that conversation were met :) And I can't help but let a chuckle and sigh out at our conversation because I seriously remember it all too well.

If I could go back and have a conversation with little 7 year old Anna, my first question would be: Why is 16 the time? Even to 17 year old Anna I ask why should you date now? What on earth would be the point? The only answer I can come up with is: Anna. There are only selfish reasons. Today as I was talking to Jesus, I was asking how can my heart be so against something my head so wants? My head thinks my position is completely logical- it all makes total sense. My heart thinks I'm total wacko, there must be something wrong here. Is there something wrong with me? Probably.

To bring you back in real time, I was questioning God- asking him to fix me so I didn't continue on this indecent struggle of being alone- and I flipped the pages of the Word to John 2. [I've been in the process of reading through John for about 3 weeks now and I'm only on chapter 2. (Success or fail?) Definitely a success. Most of the days in those three weeks, I could only handle a few verses at a time. They shook my heart- mostly, I couldn't comprehend some of it and I would read it again and again.] Back to John 2.
"Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now."

The story of Jesus' first recorded miracle in this book. No big deal, right? Well, let's read it again...
"Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now."
(Break out the Word of God for more understanding to this verse.... a wedding runs out of wine and in verse 4, Jesus tells his mom he can't help them because it's not his time- but he does it anyways and this is the result. The BEST wine.)
My questions to Jesus:
-Why can't I have the high school sweetheart that every romantic feels indebted with?
-Where are my reassuring words of affirmation?
-Why don't I get to have someone just for me that enjoys me and loves me and hugs me?

I feel ridiculous even writing these questions down. I'm embarrassed for myself! It amazes me how Jesus is so juxtaposed to society. It's obvious that he knows he could make the water into awful wine and everyone would expect it but instead he chooses to make the best anyone will ever drink. I'll place my bet that no one ever tasted such AWEsome wine ever again. How does this come back to single-ness and expectations? To me. Today. This is a little hit on the head that

1) Jesus obeyed his mom (THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE OBEYED HIS MOM!) and did what she asked
2) There was no begrudging. He gave the best the situation could have expected. He blew everyone away with the result.

Jesus has so much more to reveal to me. I have so much growing. I'm humbled to the sin I have in my heart that I cannot even see unless the Spirit reveals it to me. I would be bad wine. This is why he is making me wait. "As the watchman waits for the morning" I am waiting... I am dying to see the awesome sunrise a relationship in God's perfect timing will bring. I feel like a little girl jumping up and down waiting for Christmas BUT here's the deal my waiting isn't stagnant. I'm realizing I make it waiting. Why I am I waiting for something I'm not promised? Is Jesus enough? Is he the only thing that satisfies me? I want that to be true. More than true. I don't want my eyes to look upon a boy and measure whether or not he could be "the one." (I want to know what it means to be united as brothers and sisters before Jesus... I think this is for another post, though.)

Here's the deal, it will always be unexpected when something doesn't fit the norm. It's unexpected to even me that I've past 16 and don't date. It was unexpected to the host that Jesus made the better wine after the first round of wine was consumed. What Jesus did was very gracious. What he does is very gracious. So, that's my conclusion- I will stop this search because I will rest in the fact that Jesus, my God, my Savior, is gracious and faithful. He has proven that over and over- why would he be any different in this circumstance?

A College Application Essay...

Anna S Foulkrod

  “Ah, not in knowledge is happiness but in the acquisition of knowledge! In forever knowing, we are forever blessed.”

 Edgar Allan Poe  

Since age three, I have been fascinated with knowing; not the typical acquisition of facts and know-hows of academia, but instead, my interest has been in knowing people. In my experience the best way to understand and truly discern who a person has become is by asking questions. Much of this comprehension came through the process of being  a counselor/staff member at Hope Reins Raleigh. As I interacted with hurting children and youth, I learned we often settle on a surface knowledge of human beings rather than a deep  understanding of the person. My journey began with an introduction as I shook a special person’s hand. This girl knew she had a  problem and needed to find a source of hope. Her name is Sophie, and she changed my life and taught me more than she will ever realize. 

 Hope Reins Raleigh has been set apart for children ages 5-18 to find healing from any hurtful life situation, current or past, through the pairing of a certified leader and a rescued horse. This trio, child, leader and horse, has proven to be a brilliant combination. Through my involvement as a certified leader, I have encountered far too many normal looking youth with desperately troubled hearts like Sophie. The purpose of this organization is to give children a life changing horse experience but the experience is only a tool. Our real purpose is to know them, to see them for who they are and to point them to the ultimate Giver of hope. Living with her father and his girlfriend after her mom committed suicide in front of her, Sophie was battered by her father and tormented by his girlfriend’s abusive, alcoholic lifestyle. One day she explained to me that, “I remember being seven years old and barely being able to roll over to the other side of the bed. I was bruised so badly. I didn’t listen to her and she beat me with her belt.” Unimaginable abuse repeatedly occurred until Child Services became involved. As a result Sophie entered foster programs until she was eventually adopted. Her heart was broken.  Moreover, the situations she was forced into were emotionally shattering and too much for a child to handle. Hearing Sophie’s story as she  slowly opened her heart left me speechless as I wept and ached with her pain which had become my own.  My first lesson from my little teacher was to know a person by feeling their pain.  I connected with Sophie because I tried to see what she saw, feel what she felt and to relate to her thoughts. Over the next weeks as I met with Sophie, she revealed her habit of cutting. There comes a point when the inner turmoil a person feels becomes overwhelming, which results in a numb feeling by going from a highly emotional state to an extreme numbness, confusion sets in with deep need for release of this pain. Connecting with her at a deep level, I knew this was a moment to ask a  meaningful question which would enable her to expose her soul; to press in until we had both discovered something new about her. My second lesson from my little teacher was to wait until someone is prepared for the meaningful questions. In our last session I realized that she had drastically cut her hair and changed her style and tastes. She eventually  confessed she was trying to “fit in”. I made a mistake by confronting her too quickly. Instead of asking well timed questions and allowing her to recognize her own error, I jumped ahead and left her offended. It is often difficult to realize how much weight words carry, especially to an abused girl. In that raw moment I learned a painful lesson. My third lesson is that timing is frequently as important as the message. 

Each lesson learned with Sophie has been  invaluable in my work with other youth at the Hope Reins. Occasionally I still interact with Sophie and thankfully she has experienced significant healing. I will never forget her story and what I learned from her. So many people in the world have painful stories like Sophie, but so few people actually care enough  to know the hard things about a person. I want to know. As Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.”

    

Doomed.

I'm peering in through this window. I've been stuck here, nostalgically, for the past weeks left asking the question, is this normal? I have an unreal sadness and an inexpressible excitement at the very same time. Sad but happy. There are days where one over shadows the other but both are present, nonetheless. How could it be that childhood rolled by so quickly? How can it be that things which seemed to happen yesterday actually took place years ago? I'm confused. I feel thirty-something in some areas and twelve in others.
I'm sad. The age I've always been told I acted like I am now becoming.
I'm questioning. I thought for sure I'd feel differently as a senior. I've had symptoms of "senior-itis" since age 5, now I only want to rewind. 
Realistically, I'm still stuck. The advice I am doomed to hear is full of how it will all work out and that God has a plan. I say I am doomed to hear this only because of how these statements are usually delivered. Lightly. Flippantly. Easily.    
I'd say the fact that God has a plan for me (you) (us) is a HUGE deal. Why do we say it so easily? How can it just roll off our tongues? Why am I not allowed-(supposed)- to struggle with that statement? It so difficult for others to allow me to be slightly upset about my lack of direction. Relate to me, engage me, don't dismiss me.